It was a dark night, the rain drops were making a gentle soothing sound as they hit the ground, he, sitting in his balcony, smoking on his so called toned down cigarette, was sipping on a feel good scotch. His favorite singer's voice played on in the background, it was famous Mr Jagjit Singh.
He had been wondering what he was upto in his life. He had always guarded his faith, that he would make it big some day. Some day would come when he would be, where he was supposed to be. A Mukam in hindi, means destination.
He was an emotional man, lead by his heart more than his head. He was leader, he loved to command. There was a soldier inside him. Being in command of his men, somehow came
to him naturally, he loved his men, he loved to lead them. He loved to push them to the limit and push himself to the point where he could cease to exist too. Ceasing to exist though, really did not mean much to him, he seemed quite ready for it.
The events in past few years of his life had taught him the worthlessness of it all. Faint smile appeared at the corner of his lips, Indeed He was turning philosophical, he thought to himself. Things of much importance to others hardly meant much to him. He was in a different world, a world of his own. This world had bothered him initially, it had caused him too much pain, but slowly and steadily but surely both got used to each other. Now sitting in balcony of his room, he was pretty much comfortable. All he knew, that he was worth much more, than he was made to feel at this particular hour. Somehow this faith kept him going on. He always knew, that he could do just about anything under the sun, well thats what, was drilled into them, while they were at the academy. The officers training academy, where they turn boys into men. He had been that man, all these eleven years of his life. He was soldier alright, an officer too, which he knew would never die inside him, no matter what turn his life took. lot of people who thought they knew him, mostly ended up asking him, can u cease to be a part of the army? Can u get away from it all? Some remarked, its in your blood! Well sure it was. He had very different reasons for listing up, different from most. It was his passion and it was in his blood. He loved soldiering and being a leader to the extent that he didn't really want to move up the ladder and increase the distance from his men. Zero ambition, thats what they called this phenomenon. Which kind of baffled the lot around him in the forces.
How can you not be ambitious they said. He was out of the blue reminded of the day when a brigadier had asked him, a surprise question, Son whats your aim in life? And to that he replied, "Sir, I live in the moment." He meant it. Reply did baffle the heavy brass surrounding them, but that was a different story. He had just said what he meant.
Today he sat in his balcony, wondering what he really wanted from life, where he wanted it to lead. He knew God had been kind to him. He had experienced a very good life, really beautiful moments and very ugly ones too though, which he actually didn't regret. He had been granted almost everything he had wished for. He had been granted an opportunity to prove his worth as a soldier on the battlefield and that had earned him one of the highest awards for gallantry in the battlefield. However, he considered that award, just a matter of time, space and luck. Though it did matter to him in some ways. Not because, it was a medal, not because it bestowed him with some privileges. But, because, it gave him the satisfaction of having proved his worth in something that was his passion.
Now what? He wondered. Did he need another passion to follow? Was he done with soldiering? Or would he just wander around, living each moment as it comes? Maybe he had become philosophical. Life had little meaning to him and so did death. He had seen and experienced both, real closely. Nothing really mattered to him anymore. Everything was just a moment to him. Pain, was to be accepted, joy was to be thanked for, period. Not that he believed in God, but surely he did thank whosoever it was, who granted him good moments.
Maybe i should become a writer someday, thought he. May be that gives vent to his inner feelings, maybe that gives him a reason to live, maybe another passion to follow. He smiled, ha, what a joke! A soldier becoming a writer!! He wondered what the hell in this world could he write about? taking another drag at his lights followed by a sip of his feel good scotch he tried thinking harder, but nothing that could make some sense came out.
A phone rang somewhere, the ring tone seemed distant but familiar, the mob ringing next to him brought him out of the trance. The screen showed, ritu calling... The usual time for his wife to call. The voice on the other end sounded tired. He knew she must be dead tired, she had a lot more at her hands then most women her age could handle. Life for her, had been quite a raw deal, so far. She didn't see it improving anyhow. Having a sick, seventy five year old father to handle and two small daughters and a gruelling job, was taking its toll on her in every way possible. The icing on the cake being, their screwed up marriage, which was just existing for the sake of those little girls. During one of their usual arguments, tired of the fighting, she had remarked, "we are two well meaning people caught up in difficult circumstances". The call started with usual customary hi, followed by some usual conversation about job, kids etc etc and ended with a usual bye and take care. Thats how it had been for quite a few years now. They called up each other because they had to, because they were married still. Moment he ended the call, his mind was filled up with disturbing thoughts about his life. Same confusion, same feeling of being lost in his professional and personal life. He had no idea where he was headed in both aspects of his life. He was just wandering about, not knowing anything about what he wanted anymore. All these thoughts were making him feel very sick and restless. Just then, very impulsively he just felt like going out...
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